yamneko: (anime)
I feel very restless this evening. And hungry but not hungry?? I just want to wat but no real reason for eating. Never full really??? but not super hungry at any specific time???

I'm worried I'm going into a depression episode. How blah I feel and nothing exciting or holding my attention really. I wanted to play a game, but no games where what I wanted, I stated a movie, and it wanst very good (in all honesty, it wasn't. Not really what I expected and not something I would watch out of the blue, so that's not a great since). I really want to do something, but I don't know what. Crochet sounds good, but I Don't know what I would make. I wish I had some sort of embroidery image to do, it sounds relaxing and enough of a thing to engage my brain, but also easy enough I could watch some TV listlessly. Something easy for my hands to do.

Tomorrow I have plans to go hang out with someone, so I hope that'll help get me out of the funk. It'll  be important to pick things to do and stick to them, even if takes me a while to do. It's very good. 
yamneko: (anime)
Feeling very grumpy this morning. There's a winter storm coming in, and I went to the grocery store yesterday, TELLING MY HUSBAND that I was ONLY GETTING STUFF FOR TONIGHT since he said he was going out ALSO that evening, and for him to get stuff for the weekend. HE DID NOT!

He only got some munchie stuff, and like NOTHING ELSE TO STOCK UP!

So I had to go again this morning, and it was just as packed as yesterday, and now even MORE stuff is gone and like wtf. Why couldnt he have grabbed more stuff when he was out shopping. Grumble.

With QA work, I had been skimping on doing OSX/Safari testing, because 1) I dont really have a mac, and need to use my husbands 2) forget/cant borrow his cellphone, and I think someone else on the team has one anyway so. The Owner wants to go over/update the list of devices that I"m testing on, which probably should have been updated when the other QA person left, since I don't have a lot of those lol


I dont know what Im going to say, and I'm worried about being found as a fraud or not doing well enough or something. I dont like anger and disappointment. I'm just gonna have to deal with it though aren't i?

grumpy and anxious, what a combo to be.

I think I'll play games till noon, eat lunch and then do some QA work.  
yamneko: (anime)

So I was telling hubs about my sads, and he started looking up anime groups, and there's a con 2 hours away over new years, but I'm already scheduled to work, said I would work, and don't want to have them scramble to find replacements, on a KNOWN BUSY DAY, THAT WE HAD TO SIGN UP TO SAY WE WOULD DO  and he was saying "fuck em, just dont go" and like, no?????? I might be quitting, but the people there have actually done me no wrong, and rather great in terms of everything, so I'm not going to just royally screw them over to go to a con where I know almost no one, to meet people I wont ever meet again and have a hard time bonding with anyone.

sorry you cant understand that :/

it was a fight
he got mad at me
and I'm miffed

yamneko: (anime)
I'm ready to quit my movie theater job. The last few days has been really busy, and I just want to scream and cry by the end of my shift, which is not in any way someone should be when leaving their MINIMUM WAGE JOB OMGGGG

I know it's the busy season/period, but stiillllll I was just dreading going in. And I'm so tired of my feet hurting. I'm going to research some podiatrist and find one to talk to. While I might not NEED surgery immediately, I feel like it's something I will probably need down the road, and so kind of want to do it while we have rocking insurance. But yeah, tired of my feet just hurting, not from being on them all day, but being in shoes all day and then my bunionettes being in pain. Like done.

The person I was trying to make friends with the other day was at work when I was, and I felt like they were kind of avoiding me, Like never came over to say hi, and hasn't really been responding to my texts. I'm going to try another few times in the the next week or so, and then give up. I wouldn't mind being the one reaching out all the time to initiate hanging out if they actually responded, but seeing as they are doing neither.....

There's another person at work that might be a nice friend, but they're like 10 years younger than me and ~.~ Don't really want 18 year olds as my only friends??? Husband had suggested going back to school, but when I took that class at SMC I was like "omg everyone here is so young" so I wouldnt be getting away from the 18 year old friend there either.

I'm not really sure what to do. Now that a lot of the election stuff has calmed down, I might try reaching out to the Repub friend, but IDK.

I'm going to (try) to talk to a manager and put my two week notice in at end of shift Thursday. It'll depend on how hectic it is and whats going on, but I don't think it'll be too bad, compared to Christmas or the day after.  (Or new years, that weekend)

I've lasted longer than I had at Macy's, so yay?? Just a month longer though. I guess about 6 months is my limit for how long I can stand working on my feet part time dealing with customers all day. 
yamneko: (anime)

Went to go try tthe gathering foot I got a while ago, to find out I dont have the right shank on my sewing machine, so it won't work right (i can probably get the right one I need) and still don't know what to do with the some fabric I want to make a skirt from (was at first going to make a dress, but coulnd't find white fabric that matched, no matter what, so turning it into a skirt) and I don't know what kind of shape to make the skirt, or how to draft one that will work since it's kinda heavy and stretchy and I Don't want to mess it up with something this dumb because it's "good fabric".

So this is leading me to get frustrated and feel like a failure in anything I try to do. I ask facebook what I should do with it, and people just don't answer the question and reply with stuff that 100000% is useless to me. "it should be a dress!" no, that's not what I am doing, and I would still have the same issue OF WHAT TO MAKE THE BOTTOM PART TO BE AS! SAME ISSUE! YOU HAVE BEEN USELESS

Just adding to my frustation and knowledge that I cannot get help for anything I ask for when I ask for it, because people just dont????

I get so tired of trying to do something and and getting no where or nothing back. All I can do is try to press forward I suppose???? and not feel like im drowning ><

yamneko: (anime)
mmm yes, aniexty attack before going to work @.@

I think it was brought on by timing. Like "make sure I eat by X, etc" and I threw a wrench in it by taking a shower. A short shower that did not really affect my timing on anything. BUT DOESNT STOP THE PANIC!

also probably by being like "I should do some QA before I leave" and then not really doing it. And feeling like I'm failing them there. And not doing enough art work. LIKE NO REAL EXCUSE TO NOT WRK ON IT! Could I have been done with all this not only months ago, but also like, by the end of Dec? Sure, if I acutally worked on it! WHICH I DONT! IM SO FUCKING USELESS

and spiral panic. Sigh.

I need to be more disciplined and actually keep to my plans for work. I can do this. I can be disciplined. It's not about skill, it's about just doing it.
yamneko: (anime)
I'm not feeling super awesome today. I woke up fine this morning, taco was meowing kinda early, but we did just fall back an hour, and I had slept well enough, actually just getting up and hanging out with her wasnt a problem.

So I'm on the depo birth control shot, and last week I had started my period. there was bloating, backaches and over all shitty body feeling, but that's pretty consistant with my period starting. I was surprised there was blood because I forget I get periods lol. So I've been bleeding for a week, it's started tappering off and I thought that'd be the end of it.

But just now, out with the dog, the backaches have come back adn I just feel bleh. I've been sneezing all morning, but maybe now the allergy pill is working.

I want these pains to stop! 
yamneko: (anime)
I'm feeling pretty frustrated and want to cry. My sewing isn't going as I would hope, and I'm worried that the fabric I chose wont work with the pattern I want to do, ya da da. Somethign I still don't seem to get.

And hubs is talking about how much he hates his job and the people he works with. He enjoyed it before he got moved to his new position, and he just, hates it. He's getting burned out, and I don't know what's going to happen. We've JUST paid off a few credit cards, and if we move again, all that work will be undone. I'd rather the trips he takes with his dad eat it up than fucking moving again. He might be able to get another job here that'll pay bills, but I feel like he'll just end up not liking that job either, so I don't know. I just don't know.

There's also the stress of what I want to do for a career kind of thing. He says I should go back to school, but I don't have a clue for what. I feel like I'm not worthy of trying to do art, since I've hardly done any in my free time, but other than trying to do something like that, I don't know what it would be. I don't have amibitions to do stuff, I don't really want a ton of responsibility in whatever job I do; like I don't want to manage or lead. I just want to like.. be apart of and assist people???? Become some sort of secretary or something just ugh I dont know!!!

So my sewing is just frustrating me, and I want to get something done maybe, I don't know. Things are feeling kinda dark and suffocating and im drowning and dont know what to do 
yamneko: (anime)
I'm feeling really easily irritated for some reason this afternoon. This morning I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with the amount of stuff I felt like I had to do, but I layed down for a nap still since I was tired and not ready to start trying to tackle other things. Ever since I got up from it, I've just been super annoyed by things. Mostly the dog, but trying to do other things too.

One of the devs is trying to track down why I see this one bug (on like everything) and they dont, so I'm being asked some of these dumb questions (which arent dumb, they don't know what sort of stuff I have etc, and when you're trying to figure something out.... ) and I just want to scream and maybe cry. I don't know how to get out of this mood and STILL do what I need, so I'm just going to try and forge ahead completing my tasks and hope I don't lash out too much at my husband when he gets home. He threw his back out again or something and has been in a lot of pain.

edit: we figured out the problem. I was clicking too quickly. 
yamneko: (Default)
I really want a new Best Friend. I had a few back in my home town after college, and we would always hang out, and randomly come over and be wide open with each other and I loved it. There were three people, two were girls, and the 3 of us would often do something together, and would just go to each other's place and just do whatever. The thrid was a guy who I hung out with a lot. I had one friend from high school that I was still close to, but she moved to a different town about an hour south, So I wasn't able to see her very often. Then I moved to my current city, and it's changed a lot. It's taken me a while to even make new friends. I've been trying to find a new BFF type friendship like I had back at my home town, but I have had some terrible luck in that so far. Distance is a terrible factor in all this; if we aren't physically close enough to just pop over at a moment's notice, I don't think it will blossom very well. Good Friend status can be attained, but not that "hey I'm bored, let me come be bored at your house" level. 
There were two people I was hoping this could have happened with, but one has moved for a job, and another had made it known she has no intent of staying in Austin on a perminant basis. Double bust. There's a lot of potentional with someone else, and currently the plan is looking nice; she lives down the street from me, and even stated interest in coming over to just hang out, in the "let me be bored at your house" type of thing. I'm a bit concered on interests, and how well they will mesh. There's currently only two out of like... 5 I'm aware of that we have similar. Games, anime/manga, or drawing will need to appear, outside of lolita and sewing for this to work, as those other three are much larger and important to me than those two. She doesn't even nessiarily need to LIKE or be terrible interested in any of them, just enough to be willing to follow along and watch/read stuff with me relating to those. All except my first BFF had at least two of those three things in common with me, with enough interest to not be bored when I talked aobut the other things. I will live if I never do lolita or sewing again, I think I will shrivel and die if any of the other three are removed. (I have taken breaks from those in recent years, the items not being as prevent in day-to-day activities) 
I don't know why it wouldn't work though. I do really enjoy hanging out with her, and I assume she does with me as well. Time will tell, and it will work or not work. I hope it can be made well enough before we move to a house, outside of Austin. I do plan to be in the city pretty much every day if not every other. I'm just a brat and hate to have relationships disolve. 


yamneko: (Default)

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