yamneko: (Default)
 I keep forgetting to do these. 

But anyway, here is one, because I am feeling really low and depressed and useless. I've been having a really hard time to get myself to work on things; art or working out. Even some house chores take longer than they really should. 

My energy levels, I feel, have been lower than normal too. There's been a rather lot of days(more than there should ever be) where I just feel low energy, or cramping and a tad.. sick and off?? in some pain. I don't want it to be an excuse, and I feel like I'm using it for one. I still do stuff in this state, but it all feels like it takes so much more energy to do it. So then I just do the bare minimum. 

I've also hard another rough blow to my self esteem; I applied for a short term QA job, and thought I would get it, but then did not. Although when I talked it over with Hubs about the one technical question they gave, I had missed something big; in my assumptions in everything. I try to not let it get to me, but I don't think I'm quiet over it yet. 

I have been working on some things, so it's not like I haven't been doing NOTHING, but it all feels like not enough. I could be doing more things, like actually working out. (But if it takes so much will power to just do dishes, and feeling so low energy, is working out really something I can do?)

Okay, so what HAVE I done this last month?
  • Quick t-shirt design for TN.
  • Some panels and a banner for a person.
  • Working on a larger panel theme (got like 5 of them done???)
  • Worked on a logo for TN
  • Did do a small piece with the Garden Pals; trying out a new design for them.
  • Made a bat plushie!!!
  • Still working on the scarf (Getting a few 8-row increments a week)
  • Kept up on my QA work (bare minimum, I do NEED to do more with it)
That's still a good deal of stuff! 

So what Do I want to work on for the next 2-4 weeks?
  • Working out
  • CSS and websites
  • an extra 30-60 min of QA testing (compatibility) 
  • More art
A I always feel I do better with a schedule, but it's so hard for me to stick to one when it's just myself and house things. I'm not really sure how to get around that, but I have had mild success before, so I think I'm just going to have to try harder. 

Working out - I do 100% prefer to do it in the morning. I would love to do start it at 9, however a lot of times I'm, just rolling hubs out of bed. I think, if I try to do Yoga at 8:30, that might be better. If not that, then start hooping as soon as he leaves. Move the coffee table, put on Ronja, and do 10-30 min! The goal is to try and do this 3 times a week, so not even every day! 

CSS - I have no idea when a good time for me to work on this is. I thought morning, then afternoon, but none seem to have felt "right". Mornings are often house chores, until even up to 2 or later. I think, I'll try to do 4-5 for CSS. I usually go "Ooaf" and relax some before doing whatever I need to start dinner. But there's hardly ever any house chores I do at that time. I think giving it that chunk will be good. I can start what I need for dinner and then have 30 or so min to relax (as dinner is cooking and just waiting for hubs to come home at that point)

Extra QA - Honestly, this isn't even "extra" stuff. They are things I should be doing, but have not because the mobile experience is such crap.  The extra time will be nice on the paychecks, as I feel it's fallen to the way some. I will dedicate more time on Fridays to doing this job. There's no reason why I can't. I should make sure as many house chores are done the day before, or to be done Saturday, so they will not be an excuse to put this time off.

Art - I don't know what I can do other than sit down and do this. I have been actually working on things, and I just need to keep it up. 

I've been feeling like I could really use a therapist lately. I don't want to go through the steps of trying to find one; I'm so weird about it. This post has helped me refocus some. I'm going to talk to my gyno about some issues that might be related to the energy levels, which I think if that can be fixed, will be a large help. 

If, in the 2-4 weeks when I re-eval everything, I still feel like I'm struggling badly, I will start the process of finding someone. The first step will probably be to figure out what KIND of therapist I want; like what their specialty is. I know my thoughts on that has changed a bit. Luckily I have met someone who I think would be okay with my talking to her about it and giving me some ideas on what to look for.  
yamneko: (anime)
I'm feeling a bit like I'm drowning again.

I think it's from the list of stuff on hold for the moment, and money. (and my own failings at things but anyway)

My wrist has been bothering me a good deal lately. Not enough to say it's in pain, but it is stiff and I'm not taking care of it well. For a while I blamed holding my phone since I had gotten a new phone game and been holding it in my right hand and stuff. I'm sure it has not helped, but I think also using the laptop touchpad is also a cause. The combination between using the two has strained my wrist. It's just bothersome at all.

I've moved to using my laptop only for the most part is because my desktop will just randomly crash. It can have just started up and crash within 10 minutes, or I'll have spent hours playing games or doing other things and then it's fine? There's no single cause I can figure out why it's crashing, and when I manage to get a glimpse of the BSOD for the 2 seconds it's on screen, the error message changes. Some errors appear with frequency, but others I've only seen a few times. It's a different thing each time. Any solution I've tried as clearly not worked. So I've stopped using my desktop frequently. The laptop is fine for general surfing, and I had been doing (some) unity work on it, but above, wrist issue with the touchpad. I don't have a good set up that I can use a mouse with the laptop with ease, so I've stopped using a mouse with it too. I want my desktop to stop crashing so I can use photoshop, or do anything with it without worry. It probably needs the mother board replaced.

I have been trying to do more art, and I'm glad for the discord channel I'm in (even if the previous one was more active) but also started slacking on that even. I bring out what I want to use to the coffee table in the living room, which is half taken up by my laptop, and cups and well, everything. It's the only table out here. I can't really work on things that will need actual space. It's not that bad actually. I enjoy the items I use, but I have to always pack them up when I'm going to eat or something. I think that's a bit frustrating too. All my art supplies jumbled in a box I have to dig through to find anything. I hope to get that remedied soon though, so it'll be easier to find whatever I want to use.

Related, sewing! I want to sew more! I've fallen in love with some plushie patterns, since they are small and if I truly hate the result, I can probably give it away to someone. I want to do cloths, but my sewing "desk" is also just a coffee table. Trying to sew larger pieces is a pain. That's why I moved on to the plushies! Minky fabric though, a great fabric for soft cuddly animals, is $12/yard. I don't feel like I'm ready for that as expensive of fabric yet, but I managed to find some for 6-8 a yard. I want to sew this next plushie, but I'm leaving in a week for a week, and don't want to leave the room a mess while I'm gone. It's relatively cleaned up right now, so I want to leave it that way. However I think I'm itching to make something, so trying to hold myself back feels terrible.

Money! Hubs had taken a week+ vacation with his dad and a friend of his, which we ended up spending a lot of money for. He also built a new comptuer (for gaming and game design). These combined has maxed out credit cards, one of them I had even paid off!!! So I feel a bit frustrated with that. Seeing the hard work of getting them paid off to be blasted out of the water. He's getting a bonus for a new hire, and when that comes through it'll help pay off at least one, maybe two of the cards. But it's a bit hard to tell how much of the money we'll actually get when it's taxed. We did our taxes, and apparently my theater job didn't pay income tax. WTF? So we end up owing money. Like 476. It really blows. Also just paid yearly tags for the bike and hubs new truck. All these tings all over the place! I want to cry and throw a fit! When I get back from my trip, hopefully all these things will stop. Well, after we get the mobo. And probably another thing or three ><

We've also agreed to start eating better and to get into shape. Hubs had come back with a cold so we're recovering from that before trying to do get back into the workout portion. But we've been working on the diet portion. I feel like I've been failing at it though, with a few chai lattes in the past week. I'm not sure what is "good" food and what is "bad" food.

I feel pretty good socially though; there had been a lot I had gone to when Hubs was out of town, to help keep sanity, and I don't really see much of a reaosn why that will really stop. I think it's at once a week at this moment, and I think that's good. I don't feel terrible about that.

There's just a lot I want to deal with, but just feel like I can't deal with, just yet. and the waiting is kind of killing me. 
yamneko: (anime)
When I was sewing, I had gotten up and the dog was laying close to where I was working, on the other side of the table. I think he got up and moved, so I ended up stepping on his foot. I started yelling at him and wanted to shoo him out of the room, but the cat came from the other room, poofed and ready to KILL, so that didn't work. I thought I had shooed her away, and was trying to get the dog out when she came back and attacked him. SO NOW HES EVEN MORE SCARED AND COWERING! Ugh. I had to pick her up and put her in the window before I could get the dog to follow me out, which he did VERY CLOSE and then had to be on me for protection. flkjsdflksjd

I think I just can't let him be in the room when I'm working. He only gets in the way and underfoot like everytime. Or force him to be in the corner of the room. There was also a brief moment were the iron almost fell on his head too. It's too dangerous to have him laying under my feet when I try to sew.

I feel like I'm starting to make some progress with CSS though. http://learn.shayhowe.com/ has had a lot of interseting stuff I don't think I've learned before. It's been pretty cool. I had started on a furvilla villager css profile, but it's a mess because I can't figure out how to change some things which I feel like should have been changed under, shit, the a or h3 or whatever have you. THEY JUST WONT CHANGE. Other people have gotten it, so I know it can be done. I need to prod at it more and figure out where those styles are under.
yamneko: (anime)
Not a lot is going to get done today.

Last night was a very late night, as hubs decided drinking was a great thing to do, so sleep didn't get a chance to happen till like 5 am.

I do need to do some QA work though, as I got very little done yesterday. I think all I did was regress bugs. No biggie. I am partially blocked by another bug occurring I wrote up on the smoke test thursday, so I can't feel too bad for not getting a ton testing done in a section. I think today I should try and work on the connection issue bug, using the two computers.

I got my blanket done last night, so I have to take pictures of it and post for everyone to see :3 I'm going to start a knitting project next. There's sewing projects I want to do, but I'm sort of bummed out between trying to find the right shank for the gathering foot, and now in a spending freeze, so I can't get lace or other stuff I would want for things. There's still stuff I can make though, so it's not like everything is a loss. (Like make adjustments to that underskirt)

At some point I am definately going to nap. I still got up at like 9 even though there was such little sleep. I can feel the tiredness.

Other than QA and napping, I think I'll play some games today. I feel kinda like isolating myself some more from him, and since I dont like have anyone I can go visit for a few hours.....
yamneko: (anime)
Whoops, I meant to do laundry yesterday, but never did.

Instead hubs and I went to the coffee shop, and I started drawing out some little characters, and we talked about desiging his game. Also designed him a new logo to use for his stream. So while I didn't get a lot done that I wanted to, it was a good day for trying to reclaim myself.

Take out trash and boxes

QA work - some Compat Testing, hit D2 up if I need to do anything else
Redo the logo in AI - so it can scale easier.

About the characters:
They're inspired by the Sentimental Circus series. I don't really know much about them other than like their merch. I'm in love with the merch. I get the sticks a lot. But it's just a handful of animals doing random stuff?? Like there's a garden theme, nautical, Alice, Red Ridinghood, etc. And they're dressed up interacting with objects just being cute???? I don't know how else to really explain it. It has this nice bit of whimsy to them. I really enjoy it. So I'm making my own kind of creatures???

I've got a greyr cat with a white belly, working on a crow, and maybe going to add a goat. I tried to do a pug, but the face was giving me some trouble, so I moved on for now. I may want to add a Norwegin forest cat, I haven decided. Then maybe a pig, and IDK. The theme I'm going to do is gardening I think. It's a good excuse for lots of random flowers and vegetables and fruit.

I'm just trying to have fun as I do it, as it's just kinda for me, so if I'm having fun, thats all that matters right??
yamneko: (anime)
Feeling very grumpy this morning. There's a winter storm coming in, and I went to the grocery store yesterday, TELLING MY HUSBAND that I was ONLY GETTING STUFF FOR TONIGHT since he said he was going out ALSO that evening, and for him to get stuff for the weekend. HE DID NOT!

He only got some munchie stuff, and like NOTHING ELSE TO STOCK UP!

So I had to go again this morning, and it was just as packed as yesterday, and now even MORE stuff is gone and like wtf. Why couldnt he have grabbed more stuff when he was out shopping. Grumble.

With QA work, I had been skimping on doing OSX/Safari testing, because 1) I dont really have a mac, and need to use my husbands 2) forget/cant borrow his cellphone, and I think someone else on the team has one anyway so. The Owner wants to go over/update the list of devices that I"m testing on, which probably should have been updated when the other QA person left, since I don't have a lot of those lol


I dont know what Im going to say, and I'm worried about being found as a fraud or not doing well enough or something. I dont like anger and disappointment. I'm just gonna have to deal with it though aren't i?

grumpy and anxious, what a combo to be.

I think I'll play games till noon, eat lunch and then do some QA work.  
yamneko: (anime)
I got up because I just couldnt sleep anymore. I mean, the thoughts going around in my head just keep going, so I might as well be up and try to distract myself instead of just laying there.

I dont know why he said I was acting like that because Bro is here, I haven't told Bro ANYTHING about it, not him or my parents. They wouldn't stand for it. Oh my god, they would be so concerned about it and probably not let me stay with him. Like fuck. Then he made stuff worse by coming out and yelling at me, shit couldnt just have let me be for 30 minutes??? I told him I don't tell anything about how he acts when drunk, but doesn't believe me. Good, so the way you don't trust me to notice signs and warnings, the way I should probably stop trusting you for stuff too then. Good, lets just get a full failure of trust going on.

I keep saying I need to go see a therapist, and I do. But I also don't know how much longer we'll be staying here at this point, he hates his job so much, and it's causing him so much stress.

Just fuck, things are going to fall apart here. I know I'm pessimistic, but how do I have a conversation of "Yeah, so just ignore everythnig last night? It wasn't as bad as it seems, because it's been worse before :) " like how th fuck do you do that and NOT make the other person more concerned???

I'm gonna need to try to focus hard on other stuff today.

For my QA work, I need to do some compatibility testing on the two games, I should work on some art work. I think I'll sketch out some scenes and houses on paper, I can do those in a different room/place than where my husband will be. I don't know what sort of activity plans there are today. Originally I was going to go to a social meet, but because of the weather, Hubs has said he didn't want me going because of the storm, and then brother came to escape, so I just said "Okay" and I work tomorrow, so I need to get things "smoothed over" before then to make the least amount of awkwardness while I'm gone. Hopefully. 
yamneko: (anime)
My only real task for the day was to clean the kitchen, and I have that mostly done right now, so I thought I would do some animation, since it's been a while since I worked on it, and I have a lot to do still for the little game.

So I'm trying to work on, and not completely hate it and want to start over (or not even work on it because I feel like there's no reason to work on something that I KNOW is going to scrapped)

And now I'm getting anxiety over it, and struggling to just keep doing the little animations. I wish I had someone who could look at what I have for the art and be like "so this won't work for XYZ but you can fix it this way"

But that's always my problem isnt it??

Also bought tickets to the concert later this week, and I really hope Hubby gets into it, he wasn't crazy about the music when I played him some, and my likes and dislikes and moods are so influenced by other people. Yeha some of the song lyrics are little... questionable, but I do really like the energy of the music. I do really like the band's music! But.. if he isn't into it at the concert... It'll make me being able to put up the noise and stuff harder to handle because he wont enjoy it and I'll feel shitty about having dragged him to something he doesn't want to be at. And it'll just be a really bad experience.

Now I feel like that's part of my anxiety too :< 


yamneko: (Default)

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